Hearts A Mess
by audiodream
Summary: She can't resist. She knows she should but she feels unable to. Set after 9x23 but before 9x24. Arizona/Lauren Arizona/Callie. Not anti-Lauren
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything

**A/N: **I've started this story before the season finale aired as I am intriqued by the attraction between Lauren and Arizona and what this **might** mean for Callie and Arizona.

Chapter One

The lights shuttered off and she lost all self control. Hands were grabbing, lips were moving, tongues were exploring. In that one moment in the dark things were simple. Things were clear.

Then the lights turned back on and suddenly that clarity was gone again. Her mind started to fog over, she couldn't quite get that feeling back.

"I can't. I can't…I can't" She tries not to look at Lauren's face because she doesn't think she's strong enough to hold her resolution if it came to it. This has been a dangerous game they've been playing ever since they met that morning at the coffee cart.

It's not a game either of them intentionally entered either, there was just something refreshing about meeting someone who got you. Straight from the get go they got you right down to your very soul. That was something she never thought she'd experience again every since the plane crash and yet with Lauren she forgot she only had one leg. She forgot that horrific ordeal of her life and she just was Arizona Robbins again. The woman who was bubbly and confident and everything she hadn't been in the past year. For the first time in a year she woke up feeling bubbly, happy and excited she could go to work looking forward to it again.

"Arizona." Just the way the other blond said her name was enticing and dangerous and yet she could tell that Lauren knew exactly what battle she was fighting within herself. And she wasn't judging her, she just understood. "You are allowed to lose a little bit of control."

She got her. Right then in that moment of her life she understood her in ways no one else did. Not even her wife. It was selfish. It was horrific. And yet she did it. She made a conscious decision and locked the door and after a short pause she turned round looking into that beautiful face and fell into her. She poured everything she had into her because it was glorious. In that moment she felt glorious; and she didn't care who it would hurt because she had found it. That one thing she hadn't had for ages, even before the plane crash.

She found herself again.

She didn't know how long she had been laying there staring at her; she just couldn't stop or bring herself to leave. Lauren had fallen asleep a while ago giving her the option to stay or go and saying she would understand either way, telling her not to worry about her feelings because she understood. She understood that she was married, that she was a mother and was committed to both. It seemed surreal laying here looking at her, examining her as she slept. This person, this wonderful person who if circumstances were different she'd fall for completely.

She knew she should feel guilt, she should feel disgusted with herself and yet whilst she felt those things she couldn't help but feel relieved. She felt invigorated like she could do anything she wanted. She was alive.

"You're staring." A smile appeared on that smooth face and it was intoxicating and contagious she found a smile appear on her own face; even with everything that was going on in her mind. It was like it was just the two of them in the whole world in this moment, and it was a happy moment.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are. But that's ok I get it." A teasing reply was all she got. She couldn't stop smiling.

"Oh yeah?" She answered in the same teasing tone.

"Yeah, I'm hot." And with that they both burst into silly giggles gasping for air the two of them tried to regain control. "So, now what?"

Arizona took a moment before answering; just to look at Lauren and really try to see what she was expecting. And that's when it rang true. Someone was going to get hurt, or they all were because all she could see on Lauren's face was an unsure nervously hopeful look that melted her heart and suddenly nothing made sense anymore and the world flooded back into their on call room.

"So now…I have a wife."

"You have a wife."

"And a daughter."

"Yep."

"And a wife."

They just laid there on their sides under the thin hospital sheets, naked from their earlier activities and looking into each other's faces both thinking about what their lives could have been like under different circumstances.

* * *

"Hey Arizona I've been looking all over for you. Where've you been?" Callie asked looking concerned as she approached her wife in the deserted attending's lounge. Arizona felt immediately dirty and ashamed, she was sure Callie must see it written all over her. She needed to tell her the truth.

"I…I've just been with Laur-"

"Oh my god! Have you seen the pit? It's full of broken bones and normally I would love it. It's an orthopaedic's dream but today all I want is for this storm to be over with already. I'm so tired." The brunette sighs leaning her head on Arizona's shoulder. Arizona can't help but feel put down and ignored, this kept happening when she tried to speak to her wife. She'd start a sentence and immediately be cut off as if what she might say wasn't worth listening too. Just this morning she had interrupted her when she tried telling Callie how she had met Lauren. Since the accident Callie threw herself into work, and work dramas to the point it started to annoy Arizona. When Bailey was locked up in her room just wanting to be left alone that was all she heard about at work and at home. "Let's just get Sofia and stay here tonight; I don't want us going out in that storm."

Staring at her wife for a moment she can't believe she cheated on her. She actually touched another woman and allowed her to touch her in return. She enjoyed it, it was amazing and refreshing and she didn't think about her wife once. She feels disgusting, horrified and yet at the same time she feels upset that it's over. She doesn't know anything anymore. She doesn't know who she is. She's lost again. She nods at Callie unable to trust her voice.

"Ok great. I love you." Callie gives her a short soft kiss and it makes her heart clench. She's ruined everything. She leans into the brunette's embrace and hugs her close. She doesn't want to lose this, no matter how imperfect it is.

"I love you too."

She just hopes that is enough.

She was staying. Lauren Boswell had been offered a job, a full time permanent job, by Jackson Avery and the rest of the board. She had accepted.

It had only been twenty four hours since Arizona let go with the other blond in an on call room and had yet not had chance to broach the subject with Callie. She didn't want to tell her, she felt she had to. She needed to tell her otherwise it would be worse. But now she was staying.

The woman she had cheated with was staying and that terrified her. Not only because the chances now of Callie forgiving her were probably less but because she herself wasn't horrified by the idea. She knew she should want Lauren gone, she should want to get back to her marriage but a part of her was happy that she would get more time to spend with the charismatic blond.

She was in a free spin. She had no idea where she would land or if she would survive.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"What do you want from me?" The question that she had no idea how to answer. What did she want from her?

It had been two weeks since they had slept together and since then they had ignored each other, or tried too. They had had coffee once but it had been awkward and Arizona had felt like she was cheating on Callie all over again.

But now it had all blown up into this. Once again in an on call room together except that this time they weren't flirty and sexy they were upset and arguing.

After a week of them trying to avoid the obvious it had become too much and today they had been snapping at each other constantly and making it impossible to work together. Their co-workers were noticing something going on and it was making Arizona even more on edge.

"One minute you're all flirty and amazing and then we sleep together and _you _chose your wife. And I was fine with that. _I am _fine with that-…I mean I'm not fine with that I'd prefer you'd have chosen me but I understand."

"Then why did you stay!? Why put me through this? Why put you through this? I don't know how to act around you. We can't be friends. We can't be lovers. We can't be anything so why did you stay?"

"You!"

Everything comes to a standstill. There is static in the air you can feel it, breath it. Everything stands there waiting, on the edge of the tallest mountain waiting.

Suddenly Arizona finds herself flinging herself at the blond again with the same urgency within her as that first time. There is something about this woman. Something so compelling and it acts like as if they are two attracting magnets coming together. Hands are grasping, mouths are moving and they are breathing; in sync, together. In that one moment everything pressing down on her disappears again and all thanks to this woman once again. And in that moment when nothing else matters, when everything fades she realises. She's done for. She's so completely done for because no matter how hard she has tried, no matter how much she avoids her she is here. And Arizona wants her.

As soon as they were kissing they've stopped again this time Lauren putting a stop to it because if she hadn't Arizona has no doubts she wouldn't have stopped. She would have slept with this dishevelled woman in front of her for the second time.

"I stayed…" Lauren's voice breaks from the emotions swirling so clearly inside of her. "I stayed for you. I want you Arizona; more than anything I _want you._ But I can't…have you and I'm ok with that. Because I can wait, I will wait until you are ready because I want you." They stare into each other's eyes, and in the moment Arizona feels so connected to someone. Since the moment she laid eyes on Dr Lauren Boswell she knew her, she understood her and in return Lauren understood her. She called her brave, she made her feel brave. That static is back and it makes the hairs on her arms and the back of her neck stand up because what Lauren says next is said with such confidence and clarity and they both **know** that is it true.

"And you want me too."

* * *

Staring into the bottom of her white wine she drowns out all sounds from around her. She's vaguely aware of the interns playing pool together and frolicking in the corner. The liquid in her glass is her only comfort she feels so completely lost.

She loves Callie, her Calliope. She really does except there is a but to the end of that sentence. An unsaid and unacknowledged _but _that changes everything. The one constant truth in her life since the accident is that she is Callie's wife and Sofia's mother and she finds that all coming into question.

Since the accident they hadn't been the same. In those first couple of months she had wallowed, she had spent days and nights on her own being angry at everything around her. At Callie. At Mark. At Alex. At the whole damn world. Those first few months had been tough, on her and on Callie, but they had gotten through them. But she felt like she had lost a big chunk of who she was because of it. She felt rushed, and looking back she knew she was, she couldn't blame Callie or Bailey they wanted her back. But she hadn't been ready. She still wasn't ready to be the happy shiny Arizona Robbins they all knew.

To be honest she hadn't felt like that Arizona Robbins in forever, even before the plane crash. She wouldn't change anything about her life with Callie, except for Mark's death and the loss of her leg, but she had felt chunks be ripped out of her the last few years. Her career had taken a nose dive south. It's not like she had been demoted but when she met Callie her career halted. She hadn't progressed in forever, before Callie she was constantly winning awards and at the forefront of paediatric surgery. Not so much now, _now _they had to fly in Lauren Boswell. Now they needed more up to date specialists who knew more than her, who had more experience than her. That had been her. She used to be the one they flew in.

Malawi, she had worked so hard and for so long to create that project and now it was something she barely thought on and rarely oversaw. She only flew out there every three to six months now and it wasn't enough. It wasn't _her _project anymore.

Kids had been another chunk. She loved Sofia, she really did and nothing would ever change that but she hadn't been ready. She hadn't had a say in the pregnancy. That hadn't been how she had wanted to do it. Having to play the third wheel to Mark, knowing not only that he had been inside of her Calliope again but that it had been not long after she had left. They hadn't had the decency to wait.

She scoffed into her sixth glass realising the irony, she was freaking married and she hadn't waited. She hadn't given that a second thought.

But it had ruined her. Mark and Callie acting like excited expecting parents whilst she was drowning in herself and they didn't even notice. The closest two people to her in Seattle and they couldn't see she was losing herself. She was losing them. They hadn't made room for her in their life and Callie constantly kept her leaving for Africa over her head.

It didn't matter that she had come back, it didn't matter that she had given up everything for her. Her career, her Malawi and her opinions. She kept quiet about everything and Callie didn't even notice.

But that had been enough because she had Calliope and now she wasn't sure it was.

* * *

It was way past midnight as she crept into their apartment. She was meant to come home after just one drink but one had turned into six and then when she realised she was way too drunk and bitter to go home she stayed until she sobered up and had coffee. She couldn't come home to Callie in the frame of mind she was in earlier. It felt like there was a tornado causing havoc within her, attempting to burst out and tell Callie everything that was on her mind. The stuff that would surely destroy what they had left.

The lights flicked on and she shielded her eyes against the sudden brightness.

"Arizona! Where have you been you were meant to be home hours ago? I needed you to look after Sofia I wanted to go into work to work on my cartilage research."

Arizona bit her tongue to prevent herself from snapping. Here she was feeling guilty about missing out on a precious evening they could have spent together and her wife had never had any plans to spend it together.

"Sorry. I went to Joe's for a drink, busy day." She offered as an explanation. She knew before the crash that never would have sufficed as an excuse but she knew now Callie wouldn't question it. She never did.

"Great." Callie says with such attitude and resentment and Arizona can feel the tear between them getting bigger. They are falling away from each other and she doesn't know how to fix it. "I'm going bed." And with that Callie turns to go to the bedroom. Acting purely out of instinct Arizona grabs her arm and holds her in place.

"Stay out here with me? We can have a drink, catch up. I did this amazing new surgery." Arizona smiles at her wanting the old them back. The Callie and Arizona who would stay up all night: listening to old music, dancing, laughing and talking.

"I can't Arizona; I want to be up early."

Her hand that connects them drops limply next to her. She feels so insignificant. She feels ignored. She feels like a pest that has ruined everything as Callie walks away from her towards their bedroom. No invitation for her to join her. Nothing and just as she gets to the door the ugly truth blurts out of her. The tornado finally exploded.

"I slept with her."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

There are moments in our lives when we realise everything isn't in our control. That nothing we do can change the outcome because without realising it everything we have decided in the past has led us down this one path. This time there is no changing the outcome, all Arizona can hope for is that no matter what happens it all works out alright because the moment she uttered those four words to her wife she gave up all control.

"I slept with her."

It was horrid; watching the look of utter disappointment and devastation on Callie's face. Never before had she seen someone look at her with such despair because of something she had done.

"No… Arizona no." Tears pour down both of their cheeks with this realisation.

"I…I did. I slept with her."

"No. Arizona you wouldn't. You wouldn't cheat on me. You wouldn't throw us away."

"I wasn't thinking. It just happened. I'm so sorry Callie!"

The silence that lingered in the air between them was unbearable. All Arizona wanted to do was rush over to her wife and hug her close. To take it all back. They were happy once they could be happy again.

"I can't believe this. You do mean Lauren right?"

"Y…Yes."

"I saw it, you know? I saw the way you looked at each other. I thought it was because you both understood what it was like to operate on children, to change their lives. I mean Ped's isn't for everyone so I thought that's what that was." Callie paced up and down the length of their living room, throwing her hands up in the air and ranting in Spanish between her sentences. "I mean for god's sake Arizona! We're married!"

"I know."

"We have a daughter!"

"I know."

"You've ruined it all!"

"I know."

Tears streamed down her face because she did know. She knew this changed everything. Even if Callie stayed with her things would never be the same again. But that was something she had known for a long time now. Since the accident in fact, but that was something Callie didn't understand. After having lost her leg all Callie wanted was her wife back, but that wife was gone. That version of her would never be back, not just because she lost her leg but because she fell out of the sky. She **fell **out of the **sky**. She still had nightmares about it. If she found herself daydreaming in the elevator and it moved suddenly she thought she was right back there. Nothing was the same. Nothing was safe.

The blond slumped to the ground not caring that it jarred her prosthetic painfully into her thigh. She didn't care that she must look absolutely pathetic right now because she couldn't breathe. Her lungs were shutting, the air was disappearing and she knew realistically it was all in her mind. She was having a panic attack but she couldn't make herself breath no matter what she tried.

"Arizona! Get up." Callie looked over at her from the other side of the room and the frustration was written all over her face. "Come on get up. Now!" She grabbed her wife by the biceps and dragged her to her feet and held her against the wall. "Get up Arizona!" She yelled in her face and Arizona saw it, that look of worry and pity. She had seen that look often in the past year.

Calliope Torres is her wife, not her doctor or shrink, her wife. She didn't want Callie to have to look after her, or 'handle' her to make sure she didn't go off on one. She was the one person in the world who was meant to look at her and be in awe of who she was, she was meant to look at her as if she were breathtaking. Callie used to but since Africa and the accidents that look is gone and no matter what she tried to do Callie never looked at her like that again. It was gone.

Callie used to look at her like she was miraculous and that made her feel miraculous.

Now she looks at her like she is broken.

* * *

It was the next morning and Callie had let her stay the night. She hadn't been chucked out and Callie had stayed as well so she took that as a positive sign. Last night had been brutal after her panic attack they just sort of left it, Callie announced she was going to bed and told her to sleep on the couch. It had been odd and Arizona hadn't been able to sleep at all.

All she could think about was what Callie was thinking and feeling. She must feel absolutely devastated. Arizona knew she did. Then there was that dark space hidden in the depth of her soul since the plane crash. That part of her that no one knew existed apart from herself and apparently Lauren, she had seemed to know about it. That part of her that still was beyond angry at Callie for breaking her promise about her leg. She was still angry and she didn't know how to get past it.

She had tried, tried so hard for so long, and it never shifted. She had learnt how to hide it behind fake smiles and make believe. She had gotten good at that, in fact everyone that she came into contact with didn't see past it. Not even her wife. The only person that had was a perfect stranger, Lauren. She had understood that it was all a very tightly controlled mask and she had peered underneath it and still liked what she had seen.

The blond sat up quickly hearing the bedroom door opening and Callie appear out of it fully dressed. She looked as tired as she felt which probably meant that the brunette hadn't slept either.

"Hey I'm going into work early ok? So you'll have to take Sofia in with you later and drop her in day care. I packed her backpack last night so you don't have to do that. See you later." Callie told her as she swept past her grazing her lips against her cheek as she went and then she was gone leaving a confused and open mouthed ped's surgeon in her wake.

"I…I. Ok."

She felt empty.

As soon as she stepped off the elevator at work after dropping her baby girl off at day care she was angry. She was beyond angry. She felt like everything was spinning out of control, and it was and then last night she gave up what little bit of control she had over the situation to Callie and she ignores it. Sure she was angry last night but then this morning she just swept it under a rug, acted like everything was fine.

She stormed up to the beautiful brunette ortho god and dragged her into the nearest on call room. The brunette spun on her as soon as the door was slammed shut.

"How dare you drag me into an on call room? Huh? Is this the one? Is this the room you nailed her in?" The fury blazing out of those beautiful eyes almost scolded her but she remained there looking into them. They needed this. They needed to deal with this.

"Callie-" She uttered softly but was interrupted.

"No! No you don't get to _Callie_ me! I deserve to know."

"It wasn't in here." She whispered. "I'm so sorry. I don't know how it happened." Callie scoffed at that.

"I got a good idea." she paced in the small amount of space she was in. "Arizona, I'm sure you remember right? The feel of her underneath you, squirming and wanting. Or were you underneath her. I bet you were begging for it."

"Callie don't…don't do this, please."

"You should have thought about that before!" Callie put herself on the other side of the room, putting physical space between them. "I thought…I thought we were past the hard stuff.

I thought…I thought that we were finally good!"

"We were, we…we are."

"We're married!" Callie sounds so devastated she wishes she could turn back the clock.

"I know!"

"God! We have a child!"

"I know!"

"How could you do this?"

"I…I don't know."

"After all that's happened this year. After everything we've been through, everything we've survived: the bankruptcy, Mark, the plane-"

"Ohh! You weren't on the plane Callie! You weren't in the woods and you did not hear Meredith crying for Lexie and Mark moaning in pain or hear me scream in pain. You weren't there and you keep acting like you were but you weren't and it wasn't your experience!" Arizona just snaps listening to Callie talk about it as if she was there seems to belittle what she went through. Her whole recovery she has had to be careful about what she says, even in her bad days spent in bed she never shared her darkest thoughts and now to hear Callie talk as if she had been in that plane with her makes her mad.

"I lost Mark. You almost died. You-"

"You lost Mark and you almost died. You weren't on the freaking plane!" She screamed at her, "You wanted the street credit, the badge of honour, the warrior wounds then great! Stick out your leg and I will go grab a bone saw and let's even the score!"

The silence that followed was awful and painful. Arizona realised what had become of their talk. She realised that the mask had slipped so far that it was if it had never existed.

"Oh." She cries into her hands realising everything she had worked so hard to keep quiet about, to keep to herself she had just screamed at her wife.

"It always comes back to the leg."

"I trusted you, more than anyone, more than anyone in my life and you decided to cut it off."

"To save your life!"

"You didn't lose anything! I did! I did!"

She can see realisation sink in on Callie's features. She knows. She knows that there is a dark part of you that blames her for taking your leg; an irrational part that no matter how much she tells herself it was to save her life, that that had been the right course of action she couldn't shake the feeling. The feeling that her wife the miraculous bone surgeon, who had managed to save Shepherd's hand hadn't had a miracle in her bag for her.

"Apparently I lost you."

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed :) Let me know what you thought? **


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